Wives, let’s face it when most of us come into our marriage, we are learning even more about who we are and how we respond to different situations. Why? Because this could be your first marriage and even though you may have dated for a while or had a long engagement, things become real once you are married and sharing the same space. Granted, you Love this person however, society has depicted the picture of focusing on yourself and putting yourself first. However, as a Christian – God teaches us about being selfless and focusing on the other person.

When it comes to money and marriage, it is important that as wives, we are not selfish and make decisions based on emotions, past financial mistakes he might have made or even immaturity. Have you heard the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right”. Well, so true, do not go and spend money because he spent money and you did not want him to.

In my opinion, a helpmate is not to sit and complain about this situation and that situation. It is her responsibility to survey the situation in complete detail, talk with the husband about the finances and then both agree on a solution. Since more than likely the wife will have more time to think clearly about whatever the situation is, she should think about what is best for the marriage and not just what is best for her.

Other Tips for the Helpmate:

1) Don’t keep a scorecard on how many times your spouse has made a mistake.

2) Understand what your strengths and weaknesses are when it comes to finances, as well as your spouse. Example: Are you better at money management and saving. Is he better at paying bills. Either way, make sure that you are working the strengths to the advantage of the marriage.

3) When forgiving your spouse about financial issues, be specific and do not throw the error up in his face whenever things get a little tough.

4) Remember to keep God at the forefront of your marriage and seek his Face.

5) Do not gossip to your girlfriends in a negative fashion about your spouse. Misery loves company. Don’t be a part of their misery.

6) Get help from a financial counselor if needed. If you are a member of this site at the intermediate or graduate level, you get a chat with me. Use it when you are ready.

When you have those frustrating days, be thankful because that also lets you know that you need to change the course of action that you are taking. Why did you get frustrated? What was your role in the frustration? Is this a reoccurence within your marriage that could have been prevented? Regardless of what your answer is, look at the big picture and make the necessary changes that you can in order to help your marriage. Do not try to change your husband – that’s not your role nor your responsibility.

Let your frustration cause you to take another step today in getting to the root cause of your money and marriage issues. Is it because someone does not feel worthy of having no financial issues? Is it because that is the way you think it is supposed to be based on the past? What is the root cause. There are times when we use money as an excuse and if we had the money there would still be THIS issue. That is the ROOT! This could be the beginning of one of your biggest periods of growth – what are you going to do?

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To ensure that you do not enter another relationship with this same mentality, recognize that you cannot do the same thing to someone else. Do not be selfish when you go into your next relationship, but pay attention to what is being said about money matters and how he is handling his money. Ask questions especially if this is someone that you would seriously consider marrying.

When you are in a serious relationship, the man must come to the table with his “ducks in row” and I encourage you to not be in a hurry to enter into another relationship because you do not want to be by yourself. Take this time to heal and discern what you want to see happen in a marriage especially when it comes to money. It will not do anyone any good if you repeat in a new relationship what you just came out of.

When each person puts the other one first, everyone wins and no one feels taken for granted.

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” What does that mean to you?

It means to me what you think about yourself, your situation, your finances, your health, your children – so be it.

Let me give you an example – do you sit around and think all day that you are in debt? Then so you are. Can you think – I am out of debt and I have more than enough money to pay all of our bills on time?

Can you think – My husband and I have God’s above and beyond favor and we receive money that we did not even know was on the way?

Can you think – My children call me blessed because I am setting the example for them to be good stewards of everything that God has blessed them with?

Can you think – I am a good money manager and will not continue to look at the past and miss opportunities in the future?

Can you think – God wants me to prosper? His WORD says Beloved above all things I wish that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers!

His Word says, I came to give you life and give it to your MORE Abundantly!

If you abide in me and my WORD abides in you, ask what you will and it WILL be done for you.

My God supplies all my needs according to HIS RICHES and GLORY in Christ Jesus.

What are you thinking today? Remember it God’s WORD also says, OUT OF the ABUNDANCE of the HEART the MOUTH speaketh.

What is in your heart today?

Wives, you set the tone for your marriages, your families, your careers and your children. Pour in abundance and not negativity.

What do I mean when I say your values were challenged? I am all too happy to share that with you. When I say your values are being challenged that means you might be a saver and he chose to spend the money on an impulsive buy. This made you mad for several reasons such as you had already allocated that money to a household bill; he spent it on something he wanted but did not need or he spent it now because you spent money several weeks or several months ago on something that he did not agree with.

Have you ever heard the saying, Two wrongs don’t make it right! Same hold true in money. Do not spend because she spent. When someone’s values are challenged they take it personally. There also comes a point in time when you challenge their values so much that they are not going to stick around anymore.

Values being challenged affects the marriage in such a huge way that can have a lasting effect. I know a couple of people that have gotten divorced because they clearly were not on the same page when it came to money and marriage. It is what it is. Not saying that it is right or wrong because only the people involved can say what is best for them.

Do not disregard what each other thinks and or feels when it comes to money. Let everyone’s voice be heard and then become solution oriented together so you can move on.

Go through all the posts and learn how to talk with your husband about having joint or separate accounts, how you should speak WITH one another versus AT or TO each other when it comes to finances and much more.

As a newlywed, you should be in the position to pay the bills as well as establish financial goals for the household. If you and your spouse did not talk in great detail about money and marriage. Now is a perfect time.

Let me caution you that I hope you will not be arguing about money and marriage based on a lack of full disclosure on either part about finances being brought into the marriage. Remember, if you both brought financial obligations into the marriage and did not share with each other, that was a choice you made and now you are dealing with the consequences.

You married your husband because you love him and you more than likely had mutual goals in life. That is great and your relationship can actually get stronger by openly discussing the finances.

Be different from your girlfriends that have gotten married, actually talk with your husband about the household finances. Sure, you might be the one paying the bills and making sure the accounts are in good standing. However, LOVE him enough to have a weekly chat with him regarding the financial picture for the marriage. DO not let him go around thinking there is one amount in the bank and you know it is actually less.

If you have not discussed it, here are the top three items you should be discussing:

1) Joint or separate account or both?
2) What are the outstanding financial debts on both parts?
3) Who will be the money manager for the family and why?

These are not the only questions you should be concerned about but they are the first ones. After you have gotten the answer to these and can agree, then we will move on to Part 2 of the Newlywed Wife.

I believe in re-evaluating what I did the year prior in order not to repeat patterns that did not help me. This also aids in having clearer vision as you move into 2010. You should be establishing these goals in 2009 so that it benefits 2010.

1) What financial goals did you set in 2009? Did you reach them or not? If you did not reach them what was the reason. Were you not realistic when you set the goal, did you get distracted by some other family crisis or the first time you did not reach the goal you decided to stop?

2) Based on what happened in 2009, you have to establish goals that are measurable and achievable. That means set a timeline that you would like to reach your goal by. However, if you make the goal unrealistic you will be in the same place in 2010 that you were in 2009. For example, if you choose to pay your smallest debt off first – how much do you need to put towards that bill per week, per month and then for three months.

3) Establish a chart with these goals on it so that you can see it every day. Whether you put it on your refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, place it somewhere you can see it. Then once the bill is paid off, write it on that sheet of paper and the date you accomplished it.

4) Pat yourself on the back because as you begin to work on goal number two, you will be able to see either how long or short it took you to complete the first goal. Be proud of yourself because you are already doing something different than what you did in 2009. You wrote your goals down, made them achievable and did not stress yourself out but BELIEVED you could accomplish it. And YOU DID!

5) Let me caution you, I know that you might be tempted to take the money once you have paid off one bill and use it for extra but do not. Getting your marriage and money in order takes DEDICATION and DETERMINATION no matter what! There will be things that come to you as a distraction – do not get sidetracked – stay focused!

Your marriage is worth it. You are WORTH IT! Your family is worth it. If you have a question on goal setting, do not hesitate to send me an emal through the contact page.

These women share each others triumphs and struggles throughout this movie. Savannah was the professional, single woman that did not let her “single status” keep her from reaching her goals.  Although her mother felt every woman “NEEDS” a man. Robin was the professional, single woman that had been burned by men so much that she did not look at them the same. Furthermore, she had lost her self-respect but gained it back in the end. Gloria was the divorced parent that owned a hair salon and who had almost cut herself off from relationships because she had gotten used to spending time with her son that was graduating from high school. She does have an interest in the widowed neighbor. Lastly, we have Bernadine who was married to a professional and mother of two children. When Bernadine wanted to start a business, he told her it was not the right time. So she put everything she had into building his businesses. Strongly recommend you watch the entire movie.

Money Implications:  I am going to do this based on each character:

Savannah – she had money and still had some degree of difficulty in who she was as a person. Her mother had limited finances and was attempting to keep it from Savannah. Once Savannah found out, she wired the money for her mother.

Robin – she lived somewhat comfortably but was settling for mediocre men. Had a great job and clearly was making money but what she thought about herself was reflected in the men she dated. Did not really value who she was until the end of the show.

Gloria – the entrepreneur of the group. She appeared to be doing well financially.

Bernadine – the true “lesson” in this group. Do not put everything you have into your spouse. This lady was not aware of what the husband had been doing regarding putting <strong>EVERYTHING</strong> in his name. Once he decided he wanted a divorce, initially it appeared as if she was not going to get anything.

Money Tip #1:  Having money does not mean you cannot have financial problems in your life.

Money Tip #2:  If you are an entrepreneur or seeking to become an entrepreneur, do your homework. What type of business are you seeking to start, what are the start-up costs, who is your target audience, can you start this business without taking money from the household budget and another major statement that you cannot ignore: If you are married, talk with your spouse before starting a business especially if it will impact your time and family finances.

Money Tip #3:  This applies to the husband and the wife – share with each other about the household finances. Do not let the money manager be the only one that is aware of all the bank accounts, how much money is in each account and when the bills are due.

Money Tip #4:  Husbands and wives do not get lost in the marriage. Meaning put everything into the one person where you have no self-identity. That costs you in the long run.

Money Tip #5:  Husbands and Wives – stay faithful to your mate and do not even think about the grass on the other side. It does not matter who attempts to flirt with you.  Based on a lot of stories in national news  and facts – people that enter into infidelity are paying a “HEAVY PRICE” and sometimes it is their life in addition to money.

Money Tip #6:  For single parents, if you are not getting the child support that you are due it is up to you to decide what action you are going to take. Also, recommend that you create great memories every day with your children. Creating memories does not necessarily have to involve a lot of money.

Money Tip #7:  For the new single parent, when it comes to money – take the time to sit down and detail your new household budget and expenses. This will show you what you need to run your household from month to month.

Observation:  Money impacts lives in many ways and should not be ignored. Take the time today to look at the roles money plays in your life.

Recommendations:  I know there are times when we as women vent to our girlfriends about our spouses, what I want to say on this is take the time to talk with your husband about your finances and issues you are facing. The two of you are on the same team – solve the situation together.

For the single parent, ensure that you find out all of the resources available to you through different organizations that assist single parents. Some could be local and there could be some that are on the internet. Do your research.

For the newly divorced spouse, pull yourself together and know that being single does not define who you are. Think about what you want to do with your life and what example do you want to set for your children.

The husband has to answer to Christ for his decisions and choices. When it comes to whether the husband should pay all of the household expenses and whether or not the wife should contribute is a topic that you and the husband must weigh very carefully. Why you ask? Partially because it is a different day then when our parents got married and how they handled their household.

Most families today are living on dual incomes, meaning it takes both incomes to run the household. Therefore, the wife’s income is also contributing to the household expenses. If the wife is not working and the household is strictly run on the husband’s income that is different. Which I will discuss that in another post because of some very important factors that need to be discussed.

With both husband and wife working, with him being the head of the household and more than likely the wife is managing the money, both parties should discuss openly what the bills are, what the mutual financial goals are for the marriage and also include in the budget some “fun money for each”. There is nothing like being a in a Christian marriage and not being able to splurge sometimes.

This makes for additional strain on the Christian marriage as well as causing the husband and wife to draw apart from each other because of the debt. I have seen it happen over and over. I have also seen where sometimes the husband believes in paying 60% of the household bills and wants the wife to contribute 40%.

Wives, at the end of the day it is important that you and your husband truthfully discuss this matter and be honest about your finances. That means including every expense that you have as well as all the income. Income and expenses and take into account automatic deductions as well.

Do not base this decision on your parents, what friends have done or even your grandparents. It is 2009 almost 2010 and I don’t think it is in your best interest to do what your parents did in 1990s or even early 2000s. Be truthful and make the best decision for you.